Best Piece of Advice

Silent B's

Me (laughing): "Did you spell thumb right? T-H-U-M"

Athlete (confused): "Um, it's spelled T-H-U-M-B."

Me: "Ha ha! I know. I'm not dumb. D-U-M."

Athlete: "You aren't funny."

Me: "Just trying to show my subtle humor. (with the B over emphasized) Ha ha! I'm so funny!"

Athlete and LP (shaking their heads): "Um, NO!"

Sometimes my humor is lost on high school students. My LP was embarrassed for me. I thought I was the funniest person on Earth.

My Dream Job!

I ran across this job posting today. Lets see if I have the correct qualifications....

Must enjoy:

• Buff bodies in bathing suits (check)
• Exotic waterfront locations (DOUBLE CHECK!)
• Having the bejesus scared out of you (most definitely! CHECK!)

Oh, I must also have a sense of humor and look good in a wet suit. That is a check and a half. (You take your pick on which is a full check and which is a half check - hmmm, on second thought it might be an equal 3/4 check for both - I don't know. You decide)

If you know anything about me, you know that I MUST watch Shark Week every July/August. I never miss an episode. I have watched Shark Week for the last 18 years. I have NEVER missed an episode (thank God for the invention of DVR). This is why this job posting is perfect for me!

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2011/01/11/wanted-chief-shark-officer/

I would be a Chief Shark Officer!!!!

HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout out to Kel - you can be my co-CSO. And by that I mean the one that sits in the shark cage on the boat in a sexy chainmail swimsuit telling me I'm crazy to go in the water.

"If Your Pigeons Are Healthy, You Must Be A Clean and Healthy Guy"

Does anyone else wonder what the hell Mike Tyson is talking about when he speaks? Now get this...Mike Tyson has a "docudrama" on Animal Planet. I laughed hysterically with that sentence. Mike Tyson has his own show on Animal Planet...Is he the star or the narrator? Is Mike Tyson the animal or the Steve Erwin type? I would pay money to see Mike Tyson say "Isn't she a beaut!"

I digress...

Yes, Mike Tyson now has his own "docudrama" on Animal Planet. His television show is all about pigeons. I hope your reaction was similar to mine (insert cocked head with a confused look). Evidently, Mike Tyson fell in love with pigeons while growing up in Brooklyn. Now, if you are even semi-sane, you will wonder what the hell Mike Tyson is talking about. Pigeons are rats of the sky. They are dirty, disgusting, and stupid. But apparently, Mike Tyson loves them.

The pigeons Mike Tyson raises are the racing pigeons, not the flying rats that shit all over the city. I had no idea there was a difference. He says his pigeons are the "thoroughbreds of the sky." Yes, Mike Tyson is comparing his rats of the sky to race horses worth millions of dollars. (Again, insert cocked head with confused look) Mike Tyson spends hours a day in the coop staring at the birds, this is much to the dismay of his wife...um...if I were Mike Tyson's wife I would be happy he is spending hours away from me. That means he can't beat me up during those hours. Just sayin'.

Now all of this may have you rolling on the floor, but the quote of the day has to be "If your pigeons are healthy, you must be a clean and healthy guy." Now duh! Obviously that's how I measure my worth...based on my pigeons health. God forbid my pigeon is unhealthy. A dirty pigeon is unbecoming.

If you are like me...an immature teenager at heart...you were visualizing Mike Tyson singing "In The Air of the Night" and playing the air drums. All while he was feeding his jungle cat. Apparently Mike Tyson is NOT a jungle cat owner, he is a pigeon owner.