I Wanna See Your....ah hem!

While sitting at a junior varsity basketball game this week, I was talking with my wonderful LP, nothing unusual. The game was going as planned, no injuries, all in all a pretty quiet day. As my LP and I were in mid conversation, the quarter ended and the cheerleaders started a dance. Not unusual given my place of work. The unusual part of the day was the first line of the song....

"I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock, cock...word on the street you got something to show me..."

Now as you can imagine (and I'm sure your reaction was very similar to mine) our jaws dropped. My LP was in mid-sentence and stopped. We sat, staring at each other with large eyes and jaws on the floor. We didn't actually see the dance because we were so stunned by the choice of song. But I desperately hope the dance was very similar to this video. Would make the story even that much better. But alas I didn't see it. So in my imagination and pretend memory, the cheerleaders did this dance.

I'm not easily stunned, neither is my LP. This stunned us. At half time we ran to the training room to listen to and read the lyrics of the song. We tried to find the music video, it must not be released yet. But we did find this video. We watched, we laughed, but all in the privacy of my office and not in front of any minors. If you are offended easily I suggest you not watch the video. If you want a good laugh and listen to a song that should be played at every bachelorette stripper party for the rest of time, then please watch the video.

Best Piece of Advice

Silent B's

Me (laughing): "Did you spell thumb right? T-H-U-M"

Athlete (confused): "Um, it's spelled T-H-U-M-B."

Me: "Ha ha! I know. I'm not dumb. D-U-M."

Athlete: "You aren't funny."

Me: "Just trying to show my subtle humor. (with the B over emphasized) Ha ha! I'm so funny!"

Athlete and LP (shaking their heads): "Um, NO!"

Sometimes my humor is lost on high school students. My LP was embarrassed for me. I thought I was the funniest person on Earth.

My Dream Job!

I ran across this job posting today. Lets see if I have the correct qualifications....

Must enjoy:

• Buff bodies in bathing suits (check)
• Exotic waterfront locations (DOUBLE CHECK!)
• Having the bejesus scared out of you (most definitely! CHECK!)

Oh, I must also have a sense of humor and look good in a wet suit. That is a check and a half. (You take your pick on which is a full check and which is a half check - hmmm, on second thought it might be an equal 3/4 check for both - I don't know. You decide)

If you know anything about me, you know that I MUST watch Shark Week every July/August. I never miss an episode. I have watched Shark Week for the last 18 years. I have NEVER missed an episode (thank God for the invention of DVR). This is why this job posting is perfect for me!

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2011/01/11/wanted-chief-shark-officer/

I would be a Chief Shark Officer!!!!

HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shout out to Kel - you can be my co-CSO. And by that I mean the one that sits in the shark cage on the boat in a sexy chainmail swimsuit telling me I'm crazy to go in the water.

"If Your Pigeons Are Healthy, You Must Be A Clean and Healthy Guy"

Does anyone else wonder what the hell Mike Tyson is talking about when he speaks? Now get this...Mike Tyson has a "docudrama" on Animal Planet. I laughed hysterically with that sentence. Mike Tyson has his own show on Animal Planet...Is he the star or the narrator? Is Mike Tyson the animal or the Steve Erwin type? I would pay money to see Mike Tyson say "Isn't she a beaut!"

I digress...

Yes, Mike Tyson now has his own "docudrama" on Animal Planet. His television show is all about pigeons. I hope your reaction was similar to mine (insert cocked head with a confused look). Evidently, Mike Tyson fell in love with pigeons while growing up in Brooklyn. Now, if you are even semi-sane, you will wonder what the hell Mike Tyson is talking about. Pigeons are rats of the sky. They are dirty, disgusting, and stupid. But apparently, Mike Tyson loves them.

The pigeons Mike Tyson raises are the racing pigeons, not the flying rats that shit all over the city. I had no idea there was a difference. He says his pigeons are the "thoroughbreds of the sky." Yes, Mike Tyson is comparing his rats of the sky to race horses worth millions of dollars. (Again, insert cocked head with confused look) Mike Tyson spends hours a day in the coop staring at the birds, this is much to the dismay of his wife...um...if I were Mike Tyson's wife I would be happy he is spending hours away from me. That means he can't beat me up during those hours. Just sayin'.

Now all of this may have you rolling on the floor, but the quote of the day has to be "If your pigeons are healthy, you must be a clean and healthy guy." Now duh! Obviously that's how I measure my worth...based on my pigeons health. God forbid my pigeon is unhealthy. A dirty pigeon is unbecoming.

If you are like me...an immature teenager at heart...you were visualizing Mike Tyson singing "In The Air of the Night" and playing the air drums. All while he was feeding his jungle cat. Apparently Mike Tyson is NOT a jungle cat owner, he is a pigeon owner.

Triceratops?

My wrestling coach is a bit of a practical jokester. He is notorious for sending people to the band room for their mail, sending funny voice mails and texts, but his favorite thing to do is tease the foreign exchange students. A few years ago, he sent a kid in who hurt his shoulder. When we asked the kid what hurt, he pointed to his collar bone and said, "My vagina hurts."

Naturally, we giggled a little.

Today, a new foreign exchange student came in with a back problem. He said "Coach sent me in for a triceratops."

My student laughed and said "Excuse me?"

At this point, I knew what was happening and stepped in. He said "coach wants me to get a triceratops."

I asked, "Why? What's going on?"

"I wrestled yesterday and right here hurts."

"OK, let's put some ice on it and rest for the day."

Those damn triceratops can be painful!

Way To Go!

In a time that we, the American public, are not practicing what we preach...TOLERANCE...I commend Kye Allums and the entire George Washington University athletics staff. Kye Allums is a transgender playing on the women's basketball team. He will not undergo any medical procedures until he graduates so he can maintain his eligibility on the women's basketball team.

Being involved in athletics and seeing how hard it is to go outside the social norm within a team makes this story all that more important. Reading about Kye Allums makes me proud to be part of the athletics culture. Allums has tremendous courage to come out as the ONLY transgender athlete EVER! That's right, this is a 1st in history. There have been others to come out as homosexual but have suffered ridicule, harassment, and social isolation (Greg Louganis comes to mind). Although, in certain sports, homosexuality is more and more accepted. But imagine if an NFL player came out and stated he was a transgender. That would be the biggest news story of the century! Please support the George Washington University women's basketball team this year. Their players, coaching staff, and support staff are tremendous people for accepting Allums as he is. No judgment!

You can read the story here...

http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/Transgender-George-Washington-player-a-fascinati?urn=ncaab-282180

You can read GWU's statement about Kye Allums here...

http://www.gwsports.com/genrel/110210aaa.html

You can read Kye Allums player profile here...

http://www.gwsports.com/sports/w-baskbl/mtt/allums_kye00.html