Close-ies

I'm not exactly sure how to spell this word, but this is the best way I came up with. Close-ies. Yes, the word close (as in being near something) with 'ies' at the end. While working with a ski team I gained valuable insight into the world of athletes. Some of my best stories come from this team. We had a great time. Laughed a lot, drank even more. This particular story involves alcohol, I know hard to believe, but go with me on this one.

While at a regional competition (the last competition for some of my athletes), my athletes decided they needed to party. It was the last time the entire team would be together. Why not celebrate? Well, this celebration started just a tad too early. Between 1st and 2nd run to be exact! The team headed down to the lodge bar between 1st and 2nd runs. It was a beautiful, warm, perfect spring skiing day. (Don't worry, I wasn't there for the drinking - I just got to deal with the drunkards later) The story goes like this...1 athlete (we'll call him B) didn't have a particularly great 1st run. He decided to drown his sorrows in the bar. Normally this is not an unusual occurrence for alpine skiers. B decided to make a go of it and ski his 2nd run. But by this time he was drunk. Yes, it's about noon on a school sanctioned athletic event. I'm sure he wasn't the only athlete in the bar. On his 2nd run, B stops half way down the course on "coaches knoll" (it was a slalom run), grabs a beer from the assistant coach, chugs the beer, gives the head coach a hug and continues down the course. His time was obviously not very fast, but he finished the race. WAY TO GO B! ***Side note: the assistant coach just read this story - he claims he had "nothing to do with the alleged event" it was apparently the head coach who handed the beer to B.

In celebration of B's last race (and a few other's as well) the team stops at the bar before heading back to the condo. Yes it's about 4pm now, but for all you skiers, you know it's the perfect time to partake of a ice cold beverage. Might be too early for some, but not for us skiers!!! The team proceeds to get drunk. No I was not there! Trust me!!!

Skip ahead, miss out on some minor details, no big deal. The story is still funny...

I'm sitting at the condo waiting for the alpine team to get down off the hill (I went with the Nordic team that day - thank God). I hear the van pull up. I go outside to say hi. I see E falling out of the van, still in her ski boots, ski pants down around her knees (don't worry she still had on her Spider suit) screaming. I run to help her. She is screaming something that no one can understand. The rest of the team is laughing hysterically, pouring themselves out of the van. Mind you the van is parked in the drive way, but the drive way is iced over and on a 45 degree incline. Not an easy task for those of us that are sober, poor drunkards. I started laughing, unsure what I was getting myself into. E tries to jump out of the van and falls. Luckily I'm there to catch her. She is still screaming a word I don't comprehend "CLOSE-IES! CLOSE-IES! CLOSE-IES!" I'm trying to figure out what she is meaning while holding her up, but she is running (the best she could in ski boots on an iced over hill). At this point I'm totally confused, but entertained to say the least. I push E up the hill (literally push her up the hill) while she is screaming at the top of her lungs "CLOSE-IES!" I get her into the house, she runs to the bathroom. Comes out as we are unloading the van and thanks me for saving her. I asked her what the hell she was talking about with the word close-ies. Here's her explanation...

"You know when you have to go to the bathroom in the car - it's not too bad, but you have to go? Then when you turn onto your street and all of the sudden you really gotta go? Then you pull into the drive way and the urge gets worse? Then you can hardly hold it until you get to the bathroom?"

My stunned yet cautious reply is "Yes."

She said "That's close-ies! The closer you get to your house the more you have to pee!" It was so matter of fact - like she couldn't believe I didn't know what she was talking about.

So the next time you have to use the bathroom in the car and the urge gets stronger you should yell "CLOSE-IES!"